Taming of the Prude
by The Alleycat Ulan
Summary: -DISCONTINUED- "Prongs, I think I am a genius"If only I had known the impact those words and the ones that followed would have on my life maybe then I would not have replied,"And why would that be Padfoot, my friend?" James/Lily
1. Bets, Potions and Seating Arrangements

Hi people!

Here we go, my first ever James/Lily multichap. A HUGE thanks to IDreamOfFantasy for her help with the writing/planning/betaing of this story. Thanks Kitty!!!

Nothing too special about this story, it was sort of inspired by "Ten Things I Hate About You" but it isn't a proper parody.

**Warnings- **Lots of switching between povs, book related inaccuracies and coarse language.

Wow...I feeling prettty speechless right now... so I'd better just skip straight to it then....

Hope everyone enjoys this!

**

* * *

**"Prongs, I think I am a genius."

If only I had known the impact those words and the ones that followed would have on my life, maybe then I would not have replied, "And why would that be Padfoot, my friend?"

"I have found the solution to our little quandary," Sirius being the prat he was paused for dramatic effect until Remus gave in and asked;

"What quandary?"

"Our Lily Evans quandary," he answered.

"Elaborate," Remus said waving a hand absently. At that point I got the feeling he wasn't paying full attention. But Sirius didn't care, he went on to explain material we had already covered in previous discussions. This material can be summed up in five words; what is Lily Evan's problem? I will elaborate so that you, the reader, who was not present for the previous discussions, will understand.

Lily Evans has potential. Potential to be the most popular girl in our year, heck maybe even the entire school, but she didn't seem to realise this. Instead she, of her own free will, chose the title of class weirdo. Well, not class weirdo, more like runner up, but you get the picture.

"Your point?" I interrupted, already bored by my long winded friend.

"Let's call it a game," Sirius said with an evil twinkle in his eye, "Whoever can get Evans to go with them to Dumbledore's birthday party gets 10 galleons from each participant," He said this as though he made some sort of break through worthy of recognition by the ministry for magic.

"Count me out," Peter said, "I've seen what that girl can do."

"Me too," Remus added, "Not my kind of thing,"

"Spoil sports!" Sirius exclaimed, "But my ol' buddy Prongsy here won't let me down now will he?" He'd thrown his arm around me at this point, and I had to admit it did sound like fun at the time and it's not like Sirius would see it through to the end anyway. I guess this is the upside to having such a hyperactive friend. I glanced across the room to where Evans sat with her two best friends.

I knew Sirius would get bored and give up by the end of the week.

What the heck.

"Yeah why not?" I conceded.

"That's my boy!" Sirius rejoiced, patting me on the head and then turning to Remus and Peter "See lads, ol' Potter here, now he's got some game!"

"I wouldn't call that game," Remus said, "I call it stupidity."

Oh gee, thanks for the confidence boost mate.

"Couldn't think of a better word for it myself," Sirius agreed.

Hang on, what?

"This boy should know he has no chance against me, Sirius Black; sex god," Sirius proclaimed.

Sure, sure.

"Oh really?" I challenged.

"Yes really," Sirius affirmed, "And I shall prove it."

With that he rose and walked across the classroom towards the door, where Evans was standing talking with a friend. From where I sat all I could see was Sirius's back and half of Evans' face. I had no idea what the stupid git was saying but from the look on Evans face she didn't like it.

Then I must have blinked because Sirius wasn't there anymore and Evans had flounced from the room. But then I leaned to the left slightly and I could see past the desks to where, there on the floor, was a black blob.

I swear I heard some sort of universal voice say 'everybody point and laugh' because after a moment of shock that's exactly what happened.

On my way out of the classroom, I made sure to stop by the blob which was moaning something incomprehensible.

"How's it going down there, Padfoot?" I asked, poking my friend in the ribs with my foot.

There was a noise which I think was 'rack off' and maybe there was something about his 'little Siriuses'.

We didn't see our 'sex god' friend for the rest of the day until he crawled into bed at 3 am in the morning. He didn't go to any classes the next day either.

I don't think he could bring himself to face the student populous which, by now, had probably all heard the story of Siruis Black's encounter with Lily Evans' foot.

I, myself, never tired of recounting it to any who asked. In fact, I think I may tell it to my children one day.

Yes, thanks to my efforts, the 24th of January shall now always been known as the day Sirius was neutered.

* * *

_I can't believe he said that! The prat! He will get what's coming to him. Have no doubt .He may well be one of those Marauders. Best pranksters to walk these halls, but if he thinks he can get away with that he's got another thing coming!_

_I._

_Will. _

_Have._

_My._

_REVENGE!_

**You still on about that Lil?**

_Did you hear what he said?!_

**Yes.**

…_I will have revenge!!!_

**You kicked him in balls. Isn't that good enough?**

_No._

I say go for it. It'll be awesome.

_See! She agrees with me!_

**Well I think you're both mad.**

!!!!!!

_Yes?_

Let's play a game!

**What one?**

Would you rather?

**Yeah, ok.**

_Good idea._

Me first. Who would you rather shag, Potter or Black?

**Hmm. Potter or Black you say? I prefer Lupin personally.**

Not an option.

_Die Black!!! DDIIIEEEEEEE!!!_

**Does that mean you'd rather shag Potter?**

_NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!_

Who then?

**It's Potter. I bet.**

_DDIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!_

Yeah, that's right she has a thing for Potter ay?

_I do not. _

**Pfft. Whatever. We all know you're secretly in love with him..**

_AM NOT!_

**Poor thing. She's in denial. **

It's kinda cute ay?

_I-_

- Thankfully Professor Slughorn entered the room at that very moment and I was provided with an excuse not to answer. I'm not even sure why we were passing notes to begin with.

I'm also beginning to regret teaching how to play Marie and Evanna "Would you rather".

* * *

I must say I quite enjoy potions. It's a very amusing class. When Slughorn entered I couldn't help but notice how his hair still hasn't quite grown back yet.

He sent a look in our direction. I think it was supposed to be a glare of some sort maybe, but it's hard to take a person seriously when they have no eyebrows.

I don't know why he blames us for it. It was Sirius' fault. I told him not to put the mandrake root in. And it's not our fault that Slughorn chose that precise moment to come over and check our progress, I mean he should have learnt from last time. After all he was in the Hospital Wing for a week that time too.

Slughorn cleared his throat and I looked up, "Now after the last week's little …fiasco…" he gave us that look again, "I have decided to make some changes to the seating arrangements; Mr. Pettigrew I would like you to take Miss Wickham's place, Miss Wickham if you would be so kind as to take Mr. Black's place, Mr. Black Mr Snape's and Mr Snape Mr Pettigrew's,"

A collective groan from all parties involved.

It's not that we hated each other. In fact, I have nothing what so ever against Miss Evanna Hurst-Wickham . She's a little strange perhaps, but what else can you expect from generations of inbreeding? It's just I much prefer Sirius' company to hers.

...

...Not in that way obviously. I'm very glad I didn't say that aloud.

And anyway I've changed my mind, sorry Padfoot, but I've decided the company of a fair maiden, no matter how crazy and inbred, is 150% superior to that of a horny egoistical bastard such as yourself.

* * *

_Review or be stupified!!! (Is full of empty threats)_


	2. Blessings, Funerals and Tutors

Dun dun dun!

New chapter! ...Although for some reason it didn't quite turn out how I would have liked... I think it's a bit rushed maybe?

Ah... do your best to enjoy it please!

* * *

Sometimes I think the key to life is to find the blessing in disguise.

This belief is why, while I was rather annoyed about the changes to the seating arrangements, I was still able to make the best of the situation. Sure, I was no longer sitting next to Severus, but instead Black had taken his place. And the best part of it was that I don't believe he was expecting any kind of revenge.

In fact, I think he may forgotten about the incident altogether. After all his brain isn't all that large and is only able to manage single thoughts at any one time and those thoughts are most likely about how long it has been since his last wank, how long it would until he could next wank and how good it would feel when he could finally wank.

Okay, so maybe that was a little harsh and as it turned Black hadn't forgotten about the incident. Or at the very least he subconsciously associated me with pain, because when he took his seat beside me he sat as far away as possible and held his legs very close together to shield his groin.

I didn't understand that. It's not like I'd be able to kick him there while we were both seated anyway.

Boys and their imaginations.

* * *

The lesson passed without incident, which was unsurprising enough, because thanks to Sirius and co's little prank we were going to be doing theory work for the next three weeks. Not that I minded really, I loved all aspects of the potions subject.

Our next period was free and Evanna and I planned to spend our free time studying in the library. Marie had excused herself from our study session because she had quidditch practice and I had no intention to go and watch. It was no secret that while I enjoyed the sport itself I couldn't stand this year's current team, no offence to Marie of course.

"Miss Evans?" I turned to see Professor McGonagall standing near the door of her office.

"Yes Professor?"

"Can I speak with you for a moment?"

I glanced at Evanna and she shrugged, "I'll wait for you if you like," she said.

"No it's ok, I'll meet you in the library," I replied and followed the professor into the classroom.

"Now Miss Evans, I believe you are aware what this is about?" McGonagall turned to me.

"I still maintain he kicked himself in the balls." I answered, straight-faced. McGonagall allowed herself a small smile.

"That may be the case Miss Evans, but I must warn you that if Mr Black kicks himself in the balls again I may be forced to follow the matter up. Do you understand?"

I nodded, "Yes, perfectly professor. Next time I see Black about to kick himself in the balls I shall do my upmost to prevent him."

This time the professor smiled fully, "I'm sure you will."

* * *

"So, Padfoot, how'd you like the new seating arrangements in potions?" I looked up and smiled, sometimes I really admired Moony's snideness. Sirius squirmed in his seat and I laughed.

"Aww are you scared, Padfoot?" I teased, he glared at me, "Does sweet little Miss Evans scare you?"

"You'd be afraid of her too if she kicked you in the balls!" Sirius shot back angrily.

I laughed even louder, "I'm not that stupid. I have a way with the ladies,"

This time Moony laughed, "It seems to me that Mr Potter has overlooked the 'Brown Incident' of Fifth Year, wouldn't you agree Peter?" And other times I really hate Moony's snideness.

"Oh come on!" I cried, "Can't you get over it already? I mean, you guys thought Brown was a girl too!"

"Yes, until Sirius dacked him." Moony replied pleasantly.

"I wasn't there!" I defended, "Besides you guys were just jealous that we hit it off so well!"

"Yes, that's because you're both gay," Now Sirius had joined in.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!

"Are t-" I launched myself at him and knocked him off the chair.

"Die!" I yelled.

"Never!" Sirius yelled back and we dissolved into a pile of thrashing limbs and shouted swear words. Remus watched for a short moment and then returned to his book.

After a short time boredom took over and we stopped fighting. I subsided into silence for a moment, but then a thought occurred to me.

"Hey Padfoot does this means the bet is off?" I asked, "Because, I mean it would be a real shame if you chickened out and had to pay me the forfeit penalty." I watched closely for his reaction.

As predicted Sirius almost immediately perked up, "It most certainly does not!" he exclaimed, "Sirius Black; Sex God does not give up. He perseveres!" And to prove his point he got up and marched pointedly across the Common Room to where Evans was seated with some of her friends.

He came crawling back, and I mean that literally, less than two minutes later and collapsed by my feet. Curiously I nudged him with my foot, "Do you think he's dead?"

Peter and Remus shrugged.

"If he is dead can I drive the hearse?" I asked.

"I don't see why not," Remus said, "As long as I get to do the eulogy,"

I nodded, "Oh! Bags telling his parents!"

"Can I dig the grave?" Peter asked, Remus and I stopped and looked him.

"Why would you want to dig the grave?"

Peter shrugged, "…It'd be fun?"

"No, Peter, _dancing_ on the grave would be fun, digging it's just plain boring," I told him patiently.

"Then can I dance on it?"

"I think we all should," Remus said.

Sirius sat up suddenly. "Persevere!" He cried, before collapsing to the ground again.

* * *

"That is all for today class."

These words set off the usual flurry of activity, as we all hurried to gather our stuff and make it to the Great Hall for lunch. I was just as eager as others, quickly shoving my parchments into my bag and pricking myself on a quill in the process. I gave a yelp and stuck my finger in my mouth.

"Miss Evans, would you mind, I'd like a quick word with you," I jumped in surprise; I hadn't heard Prof. Binns approaching. But then again it was only natural; after all, at the risk of sounding insensitive, he was a ghost.

"Ah certainly Professor," we waited until the class room had cleared and he began to talk.

"Now, I understand Miss Evans that you are having a little trouble with this subject, after all you are at a disadvantage," he left out his reasoning that it was because I was a muggle-born, "So I believe it would be to your advantage, if you were to obtain the assistance of a tutor."

I nodded in agreement, it was a good idea and honestly I was struggling with History. "Do you have anyone in mind Professor?"

"In fact I do, Miss Evans and I believe you will find him most helpful."

* * *

Thanks to maddyxxx, lizzielou, IDreamOfFantasy and jessicats for reviewing!


	3. Quaffles, Waffles and Practice Potions

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. But here it is finally!

Oh in case you were wondering, this is based in sixth year going into seventh. Which explains why later on in this chap Lily and Remus are so friendly, since they're both prefects =)

Enjoy!

* * *

Breakfast, I must say, is always a rather enjoyable time of day. As are most meal times now that I think about it. I say that they are enjoyable times because you at these times you are obliged to do nothing more than sit down and stuff your face with food. Like I said, they are enjoyable.

But of course, me being the wonderfully mischievous and lovable young man that I am can't resist the opportunity to make these enjoyable that tiniest bit more interesting.

Hence the quaffles that suddenly exploded, seemingly from out of no where to pummel choice members of the Slytherin House. Sirius, Peter and I exchanged grins and Remus just shook his head, switching his attention back to his book. I should just point out that we used quaffles only because they were considerably harder to control than bludgers.

I glanced about the table, taking pleasure in seeing the broad smiles and laughter issuing from other members of our tables. Then my eyes rested on Evans, who quite curiously seemed oblivious to the whole fiasco, despite the rather loud yells coming from those Slytherins who had yet for their quaffles to be neutralised. Instead she seemed considerably more interested in the plate before her which bore a rather large helping of waffles.

But before I could think more on the curiosity I was interrupted by a rather obvious clearing of the throat. I turned slowly in my seat. Professor McGonagall stared down at me with an eyebrow raised.

"Good morning, Mr Potter," she said pointedly.

I smiled sheepishly, "Good morning professor, lovely weather we're having today don't you think?"

"If you were to overlook the quaffles which seem so intent on assaulting a rather large number of our Slytherin students," she replied.

"Ah yes," I paused, "So it's a date then?"

"If that is the phrasing you wish to use for it, then most certainly," she agreed, "Mr Black, Mr Pettigrew, you two as well,"

"I assure you, professor, we look forward to it," Sirius told her, the broad grin never leaving his face.

The professor seemed to suppress a sigh at our total lack of remorse. Remus instead gave the sound. As one, we all looked at him.

"What was that for?" Sirius demanded.

"What?" Remus asked, startled by Sirius' manner.

"That 'By Merlin, you three are idiots' sigh," Sirius explained.

Remus smiled, "You're the one who said it,"

"Anyway, are you jealous?" I cut in before Sirius could make something big of Remus reply and ultimately embarrass himself.

"Jealous of what?" Remus asked, confused about the sudden change of subject.

"Our date," I supplied proudly.

"James, only a twisted person like you would refer to detention as a date,"

"Ah so you are jealous," I grinned, "Poor goody two shoes Moony, you're going to be sitting in the common room all alone this afternoon, while the three of us are going on date with the wondrous professor McGonagall,"

Remus gave a positively evil smirk, "Oh, I don't know about the 'all alone'"

"Books don't count as company," Sirius scoffed.

Remus raised an eyebrow, "I wasn't talking about my books, _Padfoot_, I happen to have something of a date myself,"

"What?! Who?!" I exclaimed, "When did this happen?"

The prick just smirked more and left saying that he had something to do. I glared after him.

"So who do you think it is?" Peter asked when Remus was out of hearing.

"His hand, probably," Sirius snorted.

I smiled, an idea forming, "I think I know how we could find out," I said, "How do you boys feel about ditching our date with McGonagall?"

* * *

I really love waffles. I do. I think if I could I'd marry one. In fact I love them so much that when I'm eating them I become completely oblivious to the world around me. Which would explain why during breakfast, when a large number of students were being attacked by somewhat out of character quaffles I remained blissful ignorant until after my plate was devoid of waffles.

Needless to say both Evanna and Marie found this highly amusing. I, on the other hand was rather embarrassed. I guess the only good thing about the whole situation was that everyone was so distracted by the whole quaffle affair that they failed to notice that I had failed to notice.

Although suffice to say we all knew who was responsible for the whole affair; the group of arrogant toerags whom had proudly dubbed themselves the 'Marauders' in a fit of misguided inspiration. Or at least that's what Black and Potter called themselves. Remus, in most cases, had very little to do with their many and varied escapades. They're both such wankers, I don't know why Remus hangs out with them really. Same goes for Pettigrew too now that I think about it. Although I half suspect that in Pettigrew's case he's hoping that he'll suddenly become cool. I know that this is a school for witchcraft and wizardry, but he's really got no chance.

…I really should stop being so harsh… but I can't help it. Pettigrew seems like a nice enough sort of a bloke but he really needs to stop playing along with Potter and Black, Merlin knows they've done nothing for him but to get him involved in endless trouble.

Ah, but I'm off subject. Potions was the first class today and I was really looking forward to it. For more reasons than one. Remember how I said I was going to make Black pay? Yes, well, I had my plans. Oh yes, I had plans.

I almost felt sorry for the tosser. But then, since that first time, he continued to insist on ridiculous, inappropriate outbursts and my own immature want for petty revenge grew. I would show no mercy.

* * *

The plan was going rather well. After successfully ditching McGonagall, we were waiting in the common room under the invisibility cloak, waiting for Remus and his mysterious 'date' to show.

Looking back now I should have suspected him of something sneaky. After all, this is Remus we're talking about, he may have the rest of the school fooled into believing that he was kind and mature and level headed and all that goody goody stuff, but really, he was the sneakiest, snidest, nastiest and most sarcastic person I ever knew. And of course I mean all those things in a nice way. Truly.

Needless to say he kept us waiting.

"Mind your foot!" Peter exclaimed suddenly, we tried to shush him quickly, but he wouldn't have it, "Not until Sirius moves his big foot!" he persisted.

"Well you no what they say about big feet," Sirius smirked.

"Shut up!" I hissed.

"Move your foot!"

"Fine-ouch! You move your elbow!"

"That was my face!"

"Ow!"

"Peter, seriously, remove your hand!"

"Well I would if Sirius' knee wasn't in my back!"

And then following much swearing, abusive language and thrashing limbs, we tumbled out from under my cloak.

"James, I think you need a bigger cloak," Peter's voice came from somewhere in the pile of flesh of which I was unfortunately a part.

The sound of throat being cleared drew our attention upwards. Professor McGonagall looked down at us, again with an eyebrow raised.

* * *

I met Remus that afternoon in a quiet corner of the library. The more I thought about it the more obvious it became that he was the most appropriate choice my tutor. Sev was a bit upset that it wasn't him, but then I reminded him that he was only just passing history himself, where as Remus was one of the top history students.

"Hey," I greeted as I took a seat beside him, he returned the greeting with a smile, "Can I ask you something?" I continued.

"That's what I'm here for," he replied, I laughed.

"Not about History," I told him, "I was going to ask why we're meeting here and not in the Common Room. Wouldn't there be just as easy?"

This time he laughed, "Do you really suppose we'd get any peace there?"

"I guess you're right," I agreed.

"And anyway," he grinned, "This is the perfect way for me to tease those two idiots,"

"How so?" I asked.

"Oh," he grinned more broadly, "No reason, but I have a question for you too,"

"Yes?"

"Is there any particular reason why you threatened Sirius with death if he didn't drink the practice potion?"

I smiled evilly, "Oh, I'm sure enough you'll find out soon enough."

* * *

"Ah, hello Professor," Sirius twisted a bit from the bottom of the pile to look up the professor.

"Hello, Mr Black," she acknowledged.

"So…about that date…" I began, already knowing what the answer would be.

"If you three would be so kind as to accompany me,"

We struggled to our feet, "With pleasure, professor." She led the way out of the common and to the potions class room. As we trudged through the halls and passages, something about one of my companions caught my eye.

"Sirius…are those love hearts on your face?"


End file.
